Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
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Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
According to math, I’m broke
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”