Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
You Might Also Like
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.