Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
You Might Also Like
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Autocorrect completely socks
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.