@1Happytwit: Cats don't come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can't put them in the washing machine.
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@Elizasoul80: Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can't even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
@CoolCamel69: "How's your love life?" Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig. "I'm sorry man" it's ok. still got laid.
@ShortSleeveSuit: [driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker] Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
@jessokfine: Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.