@1Happytwit: Cats don't come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can't put them in the washing machine.
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@TheMichaelRock: Some guy told me I wasn't funny today, so I punched him in his face because nobody likes liars.
@SocialExtortion: How many drinks do I buy a girl if I want her to come home with me and clean up my room?
@WarrenHolstein: Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn't tell anyone.
@RdrJay47: I'm not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.