Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I wish this was real life…
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.