Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
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Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.