hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
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There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
want me to check your oil?
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind