That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
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Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
what’s really going on
waiting for halloween be like:
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
idk what this dog had been going through but same