Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
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“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Legend 🤣🤣
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.