Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
You Might Also Like
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.