Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
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Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom