@timdonakowski: Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
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@therealeatwood: ME: Leave me alone! You’re not my real dad! CRAWDAD: [patiently] I am doing my best to raise you on my own. Now eat your plankton.
@causticbob: What's the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
@_tomcrowley: it's been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can't get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
@KeetPotato: [tied up by the mafia] any last requests? "yes, let me go" [still gets killed despite finding a loophole cuz the mafia arent very nice]