@timdonakowski: Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
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@mydanimarie: DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you're too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they've probably had diarrhea at some point
@onion_an: [1st day as judge] Murderer: [waves at me] Me [waves back]: He seems nice Lawyer: He killed six people Me: He probably didn't mean it
@TheToxicWaster: Lindsay Lohan says she can't walk down the street without men chasing her. They're drug dealers Lindsay pay your debts..
@zachreinert03: I'm getting a restraining order against my debt collectors. As much as they call me it's really just starting to come across as desperate