Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
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Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
The sacred texts.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Buying a well is money well spent.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*