Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
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Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
I have a type: disappointing
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while