@SSparklesDaily: Cats won't give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
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@pudding_club: *calls mom* "Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today" *long pause* "Mom?" *mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears* "Mom?"
@TashyP_: I'm not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I'll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
@robotmouthfarts: [Half of my body is already in the anaconda] "Is this a date? This feels like a date."
@stockejock: Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. :(