Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
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My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*