*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
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but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.