*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
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Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?