Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
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ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both