Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
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If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.