[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
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My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early