[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
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Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️