[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
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A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
#Caturday
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time