No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
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According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.