@HeyoShellz: Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
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@McGrumpenstein: If I were on trial I would wear Crocs. The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
@Storminika: Cops got new drunk driving tests. There's one they pull out a wallet-size photo of Whoopi Goldberg & ask you, 'Is she attractive?'
@better_off_dad: A simple smile can brighten someone's day... ...but a wide-eyed, toothy lunatic smile can keep them up all night.
@YesItsAl: I'd like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend