Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
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*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
uh oh
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers