Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
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6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
My life coach traded me.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Herpes is trending, good job people
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.