[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
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It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people