[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
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Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.