Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
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When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
#Thanos #MondayMood
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”