Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
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ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
wtf is a larm clock?
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Every. Damn. Time.
Yes, but it was never about money
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
🤣✨#caturday
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*