Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
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Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Personal question. #JustSaying
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
what do you want!!!!!!!!
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.