@Classy_Cassy89: Cause of Death: Dropped full can of soda on baby toe.
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@TheHyyyype: [about to go in for emergency surgery] ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
@hippieswordfish: [calls wife] honey help 'whats wrong?' im done shopping at the door store but now i cant tell which one is the exit 'ok just stop crying'
@MiddleageM: This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face... <--Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned