@Classy_Cassy89: Cause of Death: Dropped full can of soda on baby toe.
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@MariyaAlexander: Your Harvard education doesn't make me respect you more - it makes me respect Harvard less.
@DaHess1: I told my dentist I wanted whiter teeth so he named them all Bryce and moved them to a gated community.
@daniel_shaw: Personal trainer said we're going to try some dips today. I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare. Me: So? 5-year-old: My life is falling apart.