@Classy_Cassy89: Cause of Death: Dropped full can of soda on baby toe.
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@TheMichaelRock: News: Don't panic about Ebola, but please watch this nonstop coverage about how it could spread everywhere and kill you. Don't panic though.
@NatBaimel: 17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
@KentWGraham: Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
@BadMikeyBad: I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you