@Classy_Cassy89: Cause of Death: Dropped full can of soda on baby toe.
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@runningmascara6: I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile, then walk into a pole..
@KrunkedRobot: Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can't be right.
@jokeymcjokeface: If your name is Ella and you haven't opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella's, what are you doing with your life?
@AndyAsAdjective: [kidnapped & trapped in trunk] *hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code* "I…am…a…vegan"