@jessokfine: Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
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@upsidedowntrash: [1st Row at Beyoncé Concert] Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me* ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
@myonlymizztake: Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
@Bownuggets: Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he's laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard