Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
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Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
channeling her this year
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Tell me you get it…🤣
[at the general store]
me: one general please
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
repaired
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.