Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
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Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
We all have our pet causes.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I think we should hear other voices.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name