CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
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I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn