[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
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Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.