There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
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If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
britain’s three elite institutions
that’s really how it is
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.