[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
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What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?