Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
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BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.