Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
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I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Mummies are just super modest zombies