CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
You Might Also Like
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery