CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
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Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I occasionally drink every single night.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.