Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
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Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift