Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
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I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.