@SortaBad: Celebrating Easter by looking like I've been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
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@AnOrangeSNES: [Dr's office] "I have Carrie like reflexes" Don't you mean cat-like reflexes? *Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire* No
@AddledPixie: I've trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they're just shitting everywhere.
@OBiiieeee: Hello, 911? *twirls phone cord around finger* sooooo how was your day? Did you arrest any bad guys?...No you hang up first! Hello? 911?
@Home_Halfway: SON: Dad what is that? ME: *Trying to remember the name of a whale* Boy that's a sea moose