Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
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The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun