Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
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I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
You had me at “define legal”.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.