Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
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On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.