@JennyJohnsonHi5: Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. "We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle."
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@UncleDuke1969: Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.” Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
@Brianhopecomedy: My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
@Vodkantots: The last time I left the house without wearing blush, someone tried to drive a stake through my heart.