Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
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[the middle of showering] I need a break
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?