Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
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SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
i smell a pulitzer
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.