Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
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[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Muppet Screams
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby