I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
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date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?